The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: Play-by-Play
by Addira
Summary: The Play-by-Plays are my initial thoughts as I watch a movie. I've been told that I can be funny, you can be the judge :D. I have read the book, I will comment on that but I won't be 'that' person. I also watched Desolation recently and realized that I didn't really remember much of Hobbit 1 so there will be a second chapter that will have some Hobbit 2 related comments in them.
1. Knuckle Puncher

Play-by-Play: the Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey

(Due to the possibility of the story being deleted from the site, I needed to form this as a story. So, you'll be following the commentary of an unnamed female character)

-OoOoO-

It was a Friday night. She didn't feel like going out or talking with any of her friends.

She wondered what she could do other than re-organize her saved files on her numerous USBs when she saw the DVD of the Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey on the coffee table.

She smiled as she ran to her bag to get her laptop out, setting up her _work area_ finding her orange blanket and readied her station. When she heard the main menu music come up she began the recording with her typical opening video smile.

"Welcome to the Hobbit An Unexpected Journey aka the Hobbit 1 Play-by-Play!

As I watch a movie, may it be an Action movie, Disney Musical, Horror movie, anything I automatically think of either: smart, stupid or random things. See I suffer from a speech disability where I can't shut up during movies. It's just as annoying for me, believe me. The Play-by-Plays are my initial thoughts unless they are comments in the captions at the bottom of your screen in parentheses. Now I will warn you all that I have read the book, I will comment on that but I won't be _that_ person. I also watched Desolation recently, as my regular watchers already know, and I realised that I didn't really remember much of Hobbit 1, so there will be a second video that will have some Hobbit 2 related comments in them."

(It's better if you read the Desolation Play-by-Play before you read this Play-by-Play's second chapter… things like _Mirkwood Elf bonding 101_ are mentioned and that was brought up in Desolation.).

"Read at your own … risk? Wrong word but you get it."

(I hope.)

"All thoughts and opinions expressed are of my own and are in no way meant to insult or offend. I do not own these movies and I do not (do not!) claim that I do."

"Some mature language. Depends on the day. Also, there are references to many things. You are not insane. If I write something like: "Kingsfoil that's a weed!"

Yes. That's a Lord of the Rings reference. If I say "Kronk! PULL THE LEVER!" Yes, that's an Emperor's New Groove reference. Catch my drift?"

"Without further ado: Spoilers ahoy!" She brought up the remote and pressed play.

-OoOoO-

"A lot of logos for this movie."

-OoOoO-

"Did Bilbo's face change between 2 frames? When he picks up the book from his chest his face is full but then it sort of… becomes lean…? Also, that drawing of young Bilbo is not signed and that is a crime."

-OoOoO-

"Bilbo has a great memory. If I don't write my memories down I forget it. If I were Bilbo my story would have looked like this:"

She got into a storytelling position. Meaning that her legs were crossed and her arms did as much storytelling as her words did. As she narrated, her words were written at the bottom of the video, dictating exactly what she was saying.

"_It began long ago. A dragon attacked a town and took over the dwarven treasury. It was a bad day. (_Insert ink splotch_.) Woops, never mind that Frodo, this pen is fighting me. Moving on. So yeah, Gandalf showed up at my door, I followed him. Because it's Gandalf! Who doesn't like Gandalf? Anyway, 13 dwarves and I went into the lonely mountain. Stuff happened. People died. It was sad. But hey! I got out of my hole so no one can yell at me for that! Oh and I can turn invisible if I put a ring on my finger but you can't know that. It's my precious. (_Scratches out the last sentence about the ring_.) I cannot be seen if I don't want to. And that is a good thing. It's a hobbit thing._

_Alright toodles!"_

"And then, I'd doodle for most of the pages. With a lot of Kiliel. Covered in Kiliel." She smiled, and added onto her imaginary hobbit project.

"And then some Thorin, some Gloin. A lot of unsuccessful sketches of environment. Lots of drawings of myself in Dwarf apparel." She shrugged. "You know. The important stuff."

-OoOoO-

"Oooh Thranduil came out of his hole?"

-OoOoO-

"It looks like Thorin was going to go and kill Thror there."

-OoOoO-

"Daaww young Balin."

-OoOoO-

"How did they know it was a dragon so quickly? Ok no, that argument is ridiculous. He's obviously a dragon. I'd be interested to know about the fire drakes of the North though…"

-OoOoO-

"Gotta love the Dwarves for their fall back plan." She began imitating a dwarf.

"Oh shit Dragon! Eject the arkenstone! Whew. Good thing we dwarves didn't mold the stone permanently into the throne! Men are stupid to do that. But we're dwarves! We're smarter than men!"

She smiled. "It would have made Bilbo's job easier though."

-OoOoO-

"Thorin, I don't think Thranduil can hear you from there."

-OoOoO-

"Why hello there, Frodo."

"My, my you are nosy Frodo. Why didn't you put that helmet on your head Frodo? You know you want to Frodo. Yes I know I said Frodo a lot and yes the frequency of naming Frodo was half intentional."

She squinted her eyes and slowly moved her gaze to the webcam.

"_Frodo." _She whispered_._

-OoOoO-

"_Unsociable, me? Nonsense. Be a good lad and put that on the gate."_

_- No admittance –_

_Except on party business_

"That's it. Bilbo is a Tumblr user.

Someone should get me that sign for my door. I need it desperately."

"Also to show it off a bit. Bragging rights."

-OoOoO-

"And cue to Frodo being on the Hill at the start of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring."

-OoOoO-

"I don't have to say that the whole intro wasn't in the book but you all probably know that."

-OoOoO-

"Does Bilbo know Gandalf before this? Nope. We just covered that. "

"HAHA! Bilbo just called him old!"

"HE WAS GOING TO SAY HE SHOULD BE IN THE GROUND!"

-OoOoO-

_Good morning_.

"Bilbo Baggins' polite way to say: fuck off. I don't want a free trip to the Caribbean!"

-OoOoO-

"All right! Hopefully I'll be able to figure out which dwarf is who this time a round. I knew I should have watched Journey before Desolation but oh well."

-OoOoO-

"Dwalin! I remember Dwalin. With the awesome knuckle punchers." (I actually remembered Dwalin 5 minutes after I posted the Desolation Play-by-Play. Oh well.)

-OoOoO-

"Balin! Diplomatic dwarf!"

-OoOoO-

"Wait. They're brothers? Quite the age difference there… and in height."

-OoOoO-

"_What is this?" - Dwalin_

"_I don't know. I think it's cheese. Gone blue." - Balin_

"_It's riddled with mold." *Throws it away*_

"Dwalin, I love you. You understand me! Blue cheese is not edible."

"So far the dwarf count:

Dwalin – knuckle punchers/ blue cheese hater

Balin – diplomatic dwarf"

-OoOoO-

"Fili and Kili! I know who these two are. Their smiles are adorable."

"It sounds like Kili said "_Mister Boggins_." Oh, well hey the subtitles agree. I mean what."

"Kili's face when he asks if _it_ was cancelled is so sad. It's like someone took his puppy away and kicked it."

-OoOoO-

"_Go away there's nobody home!" _

"That never actually work does it?"

-OoOoO-

"Why were they all leaning on the door? A door is meant to be opened is it not? I could understand if one of them felt funny and was leaning on it and fell when it was opened but _all_ of them?"

"Ah there's Gandalf. I've solved it. He pushed them."

-OoOoO-

"Dori! Dori is the lost one who likes chamomile tea!"

-OoOoO-

"Bilbo has a lot of booze doesn't he?"

-OoOoO-

"Gandalf is confusing me. He said "_Oin_, _Gloin_", Gloin isn't even in that shot! Well he is a couple seconds later but Gandalf is not looking at him he's looking at Ori and Oin. Not Gloin."

She frowned and brought up one of her best friends: Google.

She typed in: Hobbit dwarves and their names. The images were very usefull. She looked at the webcam.

"I had to look up a picture with every dwarf clearly identified." She looked towards the paused movie, namely towards the Grey wizard. "Gandalf…. You aren't doing your job well."

"Except for Bifur. He had a clear intro. He's the guy who didn't speak English and randomly hit his arm like he was proud."

-OoOoO-

"_We appear to be one dwarf short." _

"Yeah see, Gandalf, had the fandom counted the Dwarves we would have started with Thorin and clearly state that he was indeed, not there. His sexiness being absent is a big deal."

-OoOoO-

"Dori looks like he has the biggest man crush on Gandalf. He offered some chamomile tea with two cups; Gandalf said he'd rather have some wine."

He comes back with two wine cups and the cutest little satisfied face I've ever seen.

He's so adorable."

-OoOoO-

"Ok, ok. Dwarf count.

Dwalin – knuckle punchers/ blue cheese hater

Balin – diplomatic dwarf

Bifur – I speak only dwarf! Fist bump *pride*

Oin – deaf guy (Thank you Mira Meliandra!)

Ori – the adorable one (Thank you Kcaelle!)

Thorin – the sexy one

Kili – the good-looking cute one

Fili – the second Sexy one

(The three together make up Team Sexy/Durin's sons.)

Dori – Gandalf man-crush

Gloin – Gimbli's Dad

Bomber – the large one

Bofur – I fall asleep under tables (see Desolation)"

-OoOoO-

"And now we have Bilbo's _great I need to get the groceries_ face. It's all right. We all do it when we open the fridge."

-OoOoO-

"They said to drink the ale on the count of _three_ Kili. Three is not the same word as _Up_. _Up_ does not mean _three_. You all drank on the count of _Up_."

"_Frodo."_ She whispered.

-OoOoO-

"Dwalin is missing part of his ear! That's a story I really want to know!"

-OoOoO-

"Bilbo needs to chill. The dwarves are a fun bunch".

"_Oh they're quite a merry gathering once you get used to them." – _Gandalf_._

"I see you Dwalin. I see you nodding your head in agreement and drinking your ale."

"You didn't think anyone saw you. But I did. I did."

-OoOoO-

"_What do I do with my plate?"_

"Ori you're so polite lad. That's what you are now. You are me on my best behaviour when I visit friends of the family with my parents for dinner.

Excluding that massive belch you did earlier. I don't have that much power."

-OoOoO-

[Authors/Addira's note: I had to go get paper to write down which dwarf was what to me. I'm not even kidding.]

-OoOoO-

"HaHA! Balin is just…

_He's getting too old for that shit!_

You can just read his face! IT'S HILARIOUS!"

She chuckled at her initial realization but then reared her head backwards and whilst laughing said,

"AND THEN YOU HAVE GANDALF MAKING SMOKE RINGS AND BEING ENTERTAINED AS FUCK, LAUGHING LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD." She took a few moments to recuperated as the laughing tears left her cheeks.

"I love dwarves." She admitted, resuming the movie.

-OoOoO-

"Once they have the dishes stacked up nicely, pay attention to Bifur, he looks amazed at what just happened. He's got the face of someone who's going through an existential crisis."

"Proof you ask?"

"Thorin knocks on the door, everyone looks that way and Bifur just keeps starring down the stack of dishes until he slightly shifts his body, not quite towards the door. He just turned because everyone else was, but in his eyes he _is questioning the_ _meaning of the dish stack_. It will haunt him at night."

-OoOoO-

"Every single dwarf's face after Thorin's "_burglar_" line is so precious to me.

Kili is grinning much like I would after hearing a bad pun but that is still funny,

Bofur thinks its one of the best jokes he's heard in a while,

Bombur somehow found some more food even though the movie has established that Bilbo's pantry/fridge is emptied,

Bifur probably didn't understand anything that was just said,

and Oin who tries to get a look at their illustrious leader but can't see him because of Bofur's hat!

And last but not least: Thorin's _nailed it_ face."

-OoOoO-

"That map is actually in the Hobbit book itself and I pride myself to have found the little rune on it before the novel ever spoke about it."

-OoOoO-

"Gandalf likes to invest in hobbits doesn't he?"

-OoOoO-

"_I cannot guaranty his safety."_

"_Understood."_

"_Nor will I be responsible for his fate."_

"Hold up." She rewinded and paused when Thorin's sideways profile was in full view.

"Thorin… I couldn't help but notice…"

"Do you have pointy ears? Granted some hair is blocking parts of your ear but the bit that I _can_ see clearly suggest that you, my king, have a pointy ear.

Is that why you hate the elves? Because you were laughed at as a child?

It's ok Thorin. Your secret is safe until I upload this online. When that time comes, hide or get your ears checked.

Now I doubt Dwalin's ear. Why was there a chunk missing… is he a dwelf too?"

-OoOoO-

"Bofur has an earing! The attention to detail is so amazing in this franchise."

-OoOoO-

"_The world is not in your books and maps… it's out there."_

"Tell that to my professors at University. They will vehemently disagree with you. They want us to live in our textbooks and our campus maps."

-OoOoO-

"I really love that this movie makes the whole Frodo/Pipin family connection clear. Bilbo is the best of both Baggins and Tooks."

-OoOoO-

"How Golf was invented. This is my history now. No one shall shun this legitimate history."

-OoOoO-

"_After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkers, toy-makers."_

"Wait, wait, wait! Who's the toy-maker."

She clapped her hands together in sheer glee.

"Oh please tell me it's Dwalin! That would explain why he hates the world so much! He's stuck in happy land, trying to put on a smiling face for the brat kids who want more toys!" Her joy slowly degraded into sadness and pity.

"That started off as a joke but I'm sad now."

She paused for a few seconds before proceeding.

"Dwalin, it' alright… I'll be your friend. I'll be your grumpy friend any day.

We can trash talk the existence of blue cheese together over some booze! You and me."

-OoOoO-

"I like the songs. Who cares if it makes the Hobbit looks like if it's for children. I'd still watch it if there was singing 24/7 and I hate musicals. I might die if I needed to watch les Misérables."

-OoOoO-

"Glorious Dwalin knuckle punchers. That is all."

-OoOoO-

"Why did Bilbo look up the chimney? There isn't going to be a dwarf there!

They are short, yes, but I guaranty they wouldn't _want_ to hide up your chimney!"

-OoOoO-

"The dwarf calligraphy is orgasmic.

Like hot damn!"

"Also, Thorin doesn't like his signature to be restricted to a box, his T goes all the way into the "_signed:"_ section."

-OoOoO-

"I want this soundtrack." (I have it)

"I want his backpack also."

(And the knuckle punchers but that goes without saying.)

-OoOoO-

"Didn't he already mention that he's never late in the intro?"

-OoOoO-

"He caught up to Dwarves on horses (ponies)? How did he do that?"

-OoOoO-

"BALIN HAS POINTY EARS! Oh my… am I going to look at every dwarf to make sure that it wasn't my imagination…

…

Oh goddamn it."

-OoOoO-

"Dat pony."

-OoOoO-

"Gandalf. This is Thorin's company. You should not be in the front."

-OoOoO-

"We can always find Kili in the travelling shots. He's got a bow and has a blue hood. Also I may or may not be looking for him."

"What can I say? Kili and Fili are to me what Gandalf is to Dori."

-OoOoO-

"Guess where Dori is in the line during the forest travelling scene? :D

All together now: _BEHIND GANDALF!"_

-OoOoO-

"Myrtle. Dawwww. Bilbo likes his pony."

"_It's our little secret."_

"Except for, you know, Fili and Kili can clearly see you. (So can Gandalf.)

So really it's a secret to be kept away from the other ponies. You don't want Myrtle to feel excluded now do you?"

-OoOoO-

"Thorin wakes up at the sound of the word _orc_ but not the actual sound made by orcs… Shouldn't that be the other way around?"

-OoOoO-

"KILI HAS A POINTY EAR!"

-OoOoO-

"Kili likes to screw with people. I have no complaints."

-OoOoO-

"Who else is awake? Aren't they all supposed to be asleep?"

-OoOoO-

"Ok the whole origin of his last name wasn't in the book. Neither was Thorin's hate for orcs. Or the Pale orc. But, like I've said in the Desolation Play-by-Play, I really don't hate it."

"THROR HAS POINTY EARS!"

"Ok, I'll just point out who _doesn't_ have pointy ears and I'll leave it at that."

-OoOoO-

"And that was the day that the orcs invented the game of '_Dwarf Toss_'."

-OoOoO-

"Azog didn't really use his left arm much. He's a righty. The one time he uses his left arm it gets cut. You totally know that when Azog was getting patched up he was chanting angrily: The one time. THE ONE TIME!"

-OoOoO-

"_[…] That the line of Durin, was not so easily broken." _

_Cue to the brothers._

"I see what you did there."

-OoOoO-

"So no one wanted to hand Thorin a good shield after that? He decided to keep the oak shield? All right then."

-OoOoO-

"What? They all woke up? What the? I can't even… what?"

-OoOoO-

"Well Gandalf and Balin know that he, the Pale Orc, isn't dead. Why haven't they told Thorin that?"

-OoOoO-

"_Here, Mr. Gandalf, can't you do something about this deluge?" - _Dori

"_It is raining, Master Dwarf… and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard."_

Impersinating Dori, "But you're the best wizard ever Gandalf. Why would I want another wizard…?" she smiled, she was not strong enough to resist it.

-OoOoO-

"I won't deny I cried when Sebastian the hedgehog was dying. That shit just gets to me you know?"

She sighed heavily. "Hobbit 3 is going to hit me with a sledgehammer I just know it."

-OoOoO-

"_What help came from the elves?"_

"Yeah but those were Mirkwood elves. They're dicks to everyone."

-OoOoO-

"Daisy and Bungle Myrtle and Minty? Who named these horses?" (It's Ori. Because he's adorable and no one has the heart to tell him no. Not even Thorin or Dwalin.)

-OoOoO-

"How could they have missed that Troll? His footsteps shake the entire forest!"

-OoOoO-

"Oh that's disgusting. Get that Troll snot off. I can't look." She covered most of her eyesight with the orange blanket.

-OoOoO-

"But Kili, you're an archer. Go for the eyes!"

-OoOoO-

"_Let the uh flurgaburburhobbit talk."_

"Bert understands me. I can't pronounce complicated things either."

(Yes, that's what the subtitles wrote down.)

-OoOoO-

"The dwarf reaction to the skinning is the best!" She began impersonating each of them in turn with their lines.

Gloin: _"I'LL SKIN YOU, YOU LITTLE-!"_ PG 13 Gloin, remember.

Dwalin: "_I WON'T FORGET THAT! I WON'T FORGET IT_!"

Bilbo: "_In fact they all have. They're infested with parasites. It's a terrible business. I wouldn't risk it. I really wouldn't_."

Kili: _WE DON'T HAVE PARASITES! YOU HAVE PARASITES_!"

*Kili gets a kick from Thorin. He's too cool to say he's got parasites.*

Oin: "_I've got parasites as big as my arm_!"

Kili: "_Mine are the biggest parasites! I've got huge parasites_!"

She smiled once more as her recital was over. "Please tell me that Fili makes fun of Kili and his huge parasites in the third movie or bloopers, I'll even take the bloopers!"

-OoOoO-

"Knuckle punchers! I want them so bad."

-OoOoO-

"Who wants to bet that the chest that Bifur, Bofur and Gloin are burying is going to end up in Bilbo's property. He did say that his share still smelt of Troll."

-OoOoO-

"_I've never used a sword in my life."_

"_And hopefully you'll never have to."_

"But Sting would have been useful with the Troll situation wouldn't it Bilbo?"

-OoOoO-

"Bombur is wielding a giant spoon. That's funny."

She paused for a second. Realizing something.

"Wait a minute."

"**I** have a giant spoon…"

*le gasp* "I CAN ADD THAT TO THE LIST OF THINGS I CAN DO WITH MY BIG GIANT SPOON!" she took out her notepad and added to her list.

"43. EMBRACE MY INNER BOMBUR!"

-OoOoO-

"I need some more Fili in my life. Why wasn't he in focus when Radagast had a bug in his mouth. He had a sexy dwarf man thing going on."

-OoOoO-

"Sidenote: No we don't learn about the Necromancer in the book. He's only mentioned. Never shown."

-OoOoO-

"Radagast, why were you bringing the orcs and wargs in circles around the dwarves you were supposed to keep away from?"

-OoOoO-

"_Where are you leading us?" - _Thorin

"Gandalf: Stop being paranoid you little bitch."

-OoOoO-

"If Ori had a bow he would have had a headshot right there."

-OoOoO-

"Hold up. When did Bilbo get a walking stick?"

-OoOoO-

"MELON!"

-OoOoO-

"_Welcome Thorin, son of Thrain." _- Elrond

"_I do not believe we have met." – _Thorin

"_You have your grandfather's bearing."_

"But by _bearing_ what Elrond really meant was this:

_You have your mother's eyes."_

-OoOoO-

"That's one badass letter opener, Balin."

-OoOoO-

"The dwarves have taught me many things over the Hobbit movies. I will always remember that the elves forge the finest blades but they build the weakest tables."

-OoOoO-

"Sup Galadriel. Fancy seeing you in this movie. You weren't in the book but—neither did Saruman. Nor did a lot of people. But hey! If it all contributes the Hobbit 3, I'm happy."

"Also Cate Blanchett is amazing. So seeing her again, in any movie, is like a drug to me."

-OoOoO-

"Saruman has a valid point about Radagast. You shouldn't trust anyone who has an excessive consummation of mushrooms."

-OoOoO-

"Durin's sons have a lot of blue. Thorin has a blue undershirt/tunic, Kili has a blue hood, and Fili has a crapload of blue everywhere."

She looked down to her outfit.

"I wear a lot of blue."

She squinted her eyes.

"I'm short."

She nodded her head in acceptance.

"I'm stubborn."

She scratched her head.

"I like to think I have a lot of pride."

…

"Am I a daughter of Durin?" she wondered. Her eyes widened.

"Well I hope not! I wanna have Fili and Kili to myself! If I'm from Durin's line then that would be just wrong! But if I was… hmmm. I suppose there is always Ori and his adorableness…"

-OoOoO-

"Stone Giants. Ha that's cute. They are not in the book but _meh_."

-OoOoO-

"NO! He belongs with his brother! Don't split them! Stop that! Bring them back together! Kili's kicked puppy face is back and I can't handle it!"

She sighed as she looked deep into the mecanics of her webcam, trying to connect with the other hopeless fans like herself. "This movie has an undesired effect on me." She admitted.

-OoOoO-

"THEY'RE STARRING AT THE ROCK GIANTS CROTCH! HAHAHAHAA"

-OoOoO-

"_Nooo! Kili_!" – Thorin.

"Kili?" She frowned. "Kili is right there. Fili is the name you should be yelling. Kili is fine. Fili is the one that was knocked into the mountain wall and is possibly crushed. Kili is right beside you."

A slow smile began forming on her lips as her gaze slowly shifted towards the camera.

"_Frodo_." She whispered.

-OoOoO-

"KNUCKLE PUNCHERs!" (I'm having a dilemma as to what my reminder at the end will be. _Frodo_ or knuckle punchers.)

-OoOoO-

"Heh, I see what you did there. Gloin wanting to make his fire. He was one of the best fire makers in the book." [If I recall correctly, it was Gloin and Oin who were good at fires.]

-OoOoO-

"There's his stick again! Where did he get that stick!"

-OoOoO-

"_Where do you think you're going?"_

"Bofur looks out for Bilbo a lot. This is the third time he does it so far."

-OoOoO-

"HE SAID "_EH_"! BOFUR YOU SPEAK TO MY CANADIAN PRIDE!"

-OoOoO-

"Bofur's kicked puppy face hurts me just as much as Kili's. What have I done to myself. I knew watching this movie again was a bad idea."

"Now I'll go on tumblr and never sleep again.

I just had to watch the Hobbit movies. First Kiliel, then Fili, then Kili on his own, then Dori with his man-crush on Gandalf and now…" she started grumbling incoherent words under her breath that the webcam wasn't able to capture.

-OoOoO-

"_No you're right." Turns to company. "We don't belong anywhere."_

"BOFUR NO STOP THAT. MY FEELINGS."

-OoOoO-

"That fall would have killed them."

-OoOoO-

"I really don't like the CGI porn this movie used. Why did they have to animate the goblins? And why did they have to give the Goblin King a '_SCROTUM_ _BEARD'_."

-OoOoO-

"Kili is taking none of your shit Goblin King."

-OoOoO-

"Ori is the youngest? All right then. I always thought it was Kili but now it just makes sense."

-OoOoO-

"I can never find Fili in most scenes. What the hell. There should have been a rule or a standard that when you see Kili, you see Fili. Instead of shoving in all the animated goblins, you should have just put Fili right next to his bro!"

-OoOoO-

"Finally someone told Thorin the Pale Orc is alive. At least the Goblin King did something."

-OoOoO-

"Bilbo pulled a Jake Sully! The fungus broke his fall."

-OoOoO-

"Gollum is terrifying in this movie. I have so many goose bumps and shivers."

-OoOoO-

"_Bless us and splash us, precious." _

"Oh I'm saying that now!"

-OoOoO-

"Gollum trying to guess the first riddle is so overwhelmingly adorable.

But then Smeagol leaves and he's creepy again."

-OoOoO-

"This whole scene is golden." She admits in awe at how creepy Gollum is.

-OoOoO-

"Bilbo. Do not take your eyes off of Gollum. Goddamn that's scary.

Stop turning your back to him! You're driving me crazy!"

-OoOoO-

"_Three guesses!"_ Gollum only lifts two fingers.

"Who cares about math anyway?" She smiled.

-OoOoO-

"REDUCTO!"

-OoOoO-

"Although I love Dwalin's knuckle punchers, he doesn't use them as often as I'd like him to."

-OoOoO-

"Where is Kili's bow?"

-OoOoO-

"There are a lot of decapitations going on."

-OoOoO-

"_You thought you could escape me?"_

"No, I'm pretty sure they all thought you were dead, Goblin King."

-OoOoO-

"_Well, that could have been worse."_

"Bofur… don't. You didn't."

*Goblin king's corpse lands on them*

"_You've got to be joking!" _

"Dwalin says what we were all thinking."

-OoOoO-

"This franchise can really make us feel bad about Gollum."

-OoOoO-

"There we go. Fili and Kili are together again. As it should be."

-OoOoO-

"_We will not be seeing our hobbit again. He is long gone."_

(Bilbo's mind: Challenge Accepted. )

"_No. He isn't."_ (Surprise bitch.)

*Bofur sighs with relief.*

"See. I told you Bofur liked Bilbo."

-OoOoO-

Thorin: "_Why did you come back_?"

(Bilbo's mind: Because I accepted a challenge. You can't just _unaccept_ a _challenge_! What's wrong with you?)

-OoOoO-

"Why didn't they cut to Bofur during Bilbo's '_I'll help you take back your home'_ speech. These people should consult me for these things."

-OoOoO-

"_Out of the frying pan_." - Thorin

"_And into the fire_!" - Gandalf

Her eyes locked with the lenses of the camera. "That's the name of the chapters by the way. They just _had_ to put that in didn't they?" She snickered.

-OoOoO-

_Dori, as he is about to fall to his death with Ori grabbing on to his foot: "Mister Gandalf!"_

"See? It was meant to be!"

-OoOoO-

"WHERE DID HE GET THE OAK SHIELD? I know they're trying to make homage to his name but come on. At least show him grab it or cut it from the tree or something!"

-OoOoO-

"_Bring me the dwarf's head."_

"Too lazy to do it yourself Azog? You seemed like you really wanted to kill him yourself earlier."

-OoOoO-

"Yes. Knuckle Puncher, Fili and Kili jump into the fray to save Bilbo. I knew I liked them for a reason. I wish Bofur had been in that shot though."

-OoOoO-

"What the hell? There was a _strap_ inside of the tree branch shield! Why was that there? I have questions for the costume department. Something **does** **not** add up."

"And if I see Bilbo's walking stick again I'm going to yell _director_ _error_ because there is no way that he should still have that thing."

-OoOoO-

"Now they're getting the whole 'Brothers together' thing done correctly. Kili and Fili share the same eagle. My irritation has subsided thanks to the sight of Brotherly bonding."

-OoOoO-

"Well. Thorin is going to feel that whiplash in the morning."

-OoOoO-

"Bro hug from Thorin can make anyone's day better."

-OoOoO-

"Fili has some very good-looking hair! Dayum."

"Yes the finale is going on and that's what I'm thinking about. Priorities people. _Priorities_."

-OoOoO-

Once the end credits rolled off of the screen, she turned to the webcam and smiled.

"So that was my Hobbit - An Unexpected Journey Play-by-Play!" She smiled as she scooped up the cat she had at her feet and began petting its stomach.

"I really hope that you all have a great night and- OH DEAR GOD. MY CAT IS PURRING AND I SWEAR IT SOUNDS LIKE GOLLUM!" She pushed the cat off of her lap, it flicked its tail and walked away, unimpressed. She sat there for a few seconds before looking at the camera.

"I'll never be the same again." She vowed as her fingers went over to the mouse pad and clicked

End.

_Frodo._


	2. Invalid Arguments

Hobbit 1: An Unexpected Journey, after reading the Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug Play-by-Play.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_The Dwarves are still in Bilbo's house and they're talking about how unlikely they are to succeed because they are only 13 of them,_

"And we have a wizard in our company!" – Kili.

We all know he's going to ditch the company Kili. Your argument is invalid.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_Still in Bilbo's house. Gandalf hands Thorin the key, _

"It was given to me by your father. By Thrain. For safekeeping."

Which was the same reason why Bard didn't tell his son about the black arrow. A lot of distrust between father and son in Middle-earth.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_Bilbo is reading the contract and asks to clarify the "incineration" clause,_

"Oh aye. He'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye." - Bofur

Oh. Is that right?

So… Thorin… do you have iron flesh or something. You were clearly stuck in his fire in Desolation.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

I really love that this movie makes the whole Frodo/Pipin family connection clear. Bilbo is the best of both Baggins and Tooks

….

Wow. Now it's really fitting that I claimed Bilbo pulled a Pipin in Desolation of Smaug. I completely forgot that he was also a Took.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_Radagast to himself as the spiders creep away from his hovel,_

"Where on this good Earth did those foul creatures come from?"

Well you've never been to Mirkwood I see.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_After seeing how outrageously tall Dwalin was compared to the other dwarves on numerous occasions,_

Tauriel, Kili is not tall for a dwarf. _Dwalin_ is tall for a dwarf.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_Upon crossing the bridge into Rivendell,_

No handrails. Again? The elves also want their dumb to die out.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_The Dwarves catch some shut-eye in the mountain right after the whole Stone Giants segment,_

Subtitles: [Dwarves snoring]

See! What did I tell you! Dwarves do snore!

Mirkwood elf bonding 101 is canon! IT'S CANON I TELL YOU!

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_Near the end after Bilbo saves Thorin and he passes out,_

See Kili! Even Thorin passed out after he was heroically saved. Get with the program!

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_Bilbo is saved by the dwarves after he literally __**just**__ saved Thorin,_

Yes. Knuckle Puncher, Fili and Kili jump into the fray to save Bilbo. I knew I liked them for a reason. I wish Bofur would have been in that shot though.

By my logic, Bilbo, it's your turn to pass out.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

_When seeing the bird being annoying as hell in Erebor,_

If Smaug heard the bird he should have heard the dwarves trying to break the door down. Or Maybe he just hit the snooze button.

Wow. I never thought I'd relate to a dragon. Today is a good day.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o

These thoughts just had to be written down but they wouldn't make much sense without the "Read the Desolation Play-by-Play" warning.

Thank you for reading! Have a good night Internet!

And remember: Knuckle punchers are the way to any Hobbit fangirls' heart! Unless they tell you otherwise.

By that logic if I ever see Fili, Kili or Bofur (Yes _Bofur_, you read that right) with Knuckle Punchers I may die of feels.

_Frodo._


End file.
